Edit -- another thing I've realised is that my #inner-critic strives for perfection, but has no idea what that actually is. The goal is undefined and therefore impossible to achieve.
My biggest mistake over the last 10 years was to convince myself I wouldn't be a worthy writer unless I'd written a published book.
You see the problem with that?
Let me break it down for you:
- I'm not a good enough writer unless I'm published
- At this point, I haven't been published, therefore my writing isn't good enough.
- And I'll never be published if I believe my writing isn't good enough to submit.
In short, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's a logical loop. It can never be broken.
Ten years I've spent believing that. Ten fucking years.
Intellectually I know it's a product of my self-worth as a human being, caused by repeated failures due to inattentive-type ADHD.
I have severe difficulty maintaining focus, and literally anything can distract me. An itch. A phone call. The cat saying hello. Being asked if I'd like a cup of tea. Wandering imagination. Research into a plot point that takes me down a rabbit hole for a couple of hours where I end-up on YouTube watching cuts from movies I've already seen. The list is endless. Context-switching screws things up because it takes time to return to the place I was.
Neurologically speaking, it's also a product of something I learned about recently: The Task Positive Network, where flow and creativity happens, and the the Default Mode Network, nicknamed the DeMoN by Dr. Hallowell:
Quick version, I'm creative in the TPN, but if I'm distracted by any of the above, the DMN kicks-in. Which is fine, but in people with ADHD, (and presumably people with low self-esteem), the DMN reminds me of my shortcomings and failures. It holds me back. And as a result I am self-critical to the point I'm sabotaging my own success. It's using my own imagination, the thing I value and love in myself to kill my own dreams.
I mean, what the actual fuck?!
Having learned this, I'm becoming aware of when the DeMoN kicks-in and learning how to kick out of it. Basically it's about finding something else to concentrate on. Literally anything.
And practice makes perfect.